Are you a giver or a taker?

Preamble

In a conversation with a colleague of mine recently, she was expressing how peeved she was that the people in her close circle just seem to take and take from her and give back very little or nothing in return. They get ‘upset’ if she’s unable to support them at all their events, constantly seeks favours of her, some of them ‘impossible’ as she puts it, and pretty much just expects her to be ‘always’ there when they need her.  But they are almost never there for her … because, according to them … she’ll understand… and forgive and forget!

Like my colleague, many of us, from time to time find ourselves in some relationships where we feel we always the ‘giver’ and the other party(ies) just take and take and take and return very little or nothing.

But there’s something about these relationships that make us remain in them, even though they drain and deplete us, and make us upset and bitter at times.  Oftentimes, we really like the people in these relationships, genuinely; they are sometimes our closest friends, or even our significant other!  So how do we deal with this???

I say … we ought not to dwell on our expectations of what these people close to us should be giving us or doing for us, especially in relation to what we give them or do for them. This may make us become bitter and selfish (not want to give anymore). Just concentrate instead on not letting them deplete you, i.e., still give, but only what you can afford to! Besides, if we really stop to think about it, we do get so much from a whole host of people we come in contact with throughout our lives; people who don’t even care for a ‘thank you’, more so to return the favour.  So they form the pool of “givers” in your life, and the people you give to, may also be giving to others as well! And, to me, in the big scheme of things, this is perfect!  After all, the small pool of people in our lives can never realistically give us ‘all’ we need, or what we “think” we need.    

But still, we’d like the people who are close to us and who we give so much of ourselves to, to treat us like we really matter! This is why in the first place, we have these expectations! So still, where’s the sense of equity and fairness which these relationships ‘ought’ to have?   Well here’s the thing … I’m very convinced that we are also “takers” in these relationships as well.  Maybe what we take is not tangible, maybe we are not even aware of what we are ‘taking’, but it’s clearly something very important that motivates so much to remain in the relationship in spite of the sense of ‘inequity’ we sometimes feel.   We foster and maintain close relationships with people for all kinds of reasons, again, half of which we are not aware of, or we don't want to admit.  For example, we may be motivated to remain in a relationship with someone who is seemingly taking only and not giving, simply because of what it means to be 'associated' with that person, e.g. (my friends are outgoing and fun, being with them make me appear to be outgoing and fun as well; or my husband/wife is a lawyer and that carries a high status in society … my association with him/her also brings me the status I desire; or my friend is a bright person ... my association/relationship with him/her confirms my own brilliance). 

Using the brilliance example … if your brilliance is an aspect of you that you value highly, then being with other brilliant people may be something you are willing to "pay a high price" for.  The high price of course being that they constantly take A LOT more from you than you can account for what they give in return.

Now why you decide to "pay a high price" for being associated with brilliant people is another question…especially if you are authentically a brilliant person yourself.  Maybe it’s confidence issues ...  maybe deep down, in spite of the evidence of good grades, you really don’t ‘own’ this fact about yourself.  Maybe you feel that you should be able to express your brilliance in particular ways that you have not been able to do … yet! I don’t know… there could be lots of reasons… but it’s always up to you to search and find them, to be honest with yourself and accept them, so you can overcome the issue and move on … When you do, you automatically ‘shed’ those people because it becomes abundantly clear that you really don’t need them anymore … in other words, you realise that you don’t have to “pay for something you already have”, and that your costs of staying in the relationship outweigh the benefits. And so those people or that person becomes redundant! And you move on ….  Fulfilled J

But here’s a twist … as you decide to move on, the people/person will try to hang on to you, and try to make you feel guilty and unreasonable for leaving.  Don’t waste your guilt or get caught with that old trick, however!  Most times they are really just rebelling that your leaving is forcing them go to search for and find another ‘host’ to ‘take’ from. If you really mattered and they really want you to remain in their life, they will allow you to walk away freely from something you found ‘uncomfortable’ but they will re-approach you to renegotiate a relationship that you will accept as mutually beneficial. 

Life is complicated, I tell you, but we don’t have to go though it feeling as though we are ‘victims’ in situations of give and take. We are and can all be as much takers as we are givers!

Tags: Angel

Bookmark: