DATE: 09/15/2007 21:13:33 / MOOD: other
LOOK OUT GUYS!
An American tourist goes on a trip to China . While in China , he is very sexually promiscuous and does not use a condom all the time.
A week after arriving back home in the States, he wakes one
morning to find his penis covered with bright green and purple bumps.
Horrified, he immediately goes to see a doctor. The doctor,
never having seen anything like it, orders some tests and tells the man to return in two days.
The man returns in a couple of days and the doctor says:
"I've got bad news for you. You've contracted Mongolian VD. It's very rare and almost unheard of here.
We know very little about it. The man looks a little perplexed and says:
"Well, give me a shot or something and fix me up, doc".
The doctor answers: "I'm sorry, there's no known cure.
We're going to have to amputate your penis".
The man screams ! in horror,
Absolutely not! I want a second opinion".
The doctor replies: "Well, it's your choice. Go ahead if you want, but surgery is your only choice".
The next day, the man seeks out a Chinese doctor, figuring
that he'll know more about the disease.
The Chinese doctor examines his penis and proclaims: "Ah, yes, Mongolian VD. Vely lare disease".
The guy says to the doctor: "Yeah, yeah, I already know that!, but what we an do? My American doctor wants to operate and amputate my penis?"
The Chinese doctor shakes his head and laughs: "Stupid
Amelican docta, always want to opelate. Make more money, that way. No need to opelate!"Oh, Thank God!", the man replies.
"Yes", says the Chinese doctor, "You no worry!
Wait two weeks, fall off by itself! You save money."
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DATE: 08/31/2007 13:11:48 / MOOD: other
This story has been told so many times.... and still lives on!
Taxi for two
IT HAD been a bloody day, but very lucrative. His hands shook slightly as they gripped the steering wheel, partly from fatigue, and partly from the tragic events of the day.
It was now night, and getting late, but he cruised along at an easy 40 mph, in the hope of yet another passenger fanning him down, so he could earn yet another fare.
Thanks to the sudden, awful deaths of hundreds of people in the terrible train crash earlier that morning, he had more money in his glove compartment tonight, than all he ever had in his entire career as a taximan. And that included his meagre savings.
How many frantic, weeping distressed people he had transported back and forth from the ghastly scene, all relatives and friends of the dead or dying. How many bloodied, battered, mutilated survivors had he rushed to hospitals in and out of the area, speedily but safely.
He'd worked very hard that day, and he had the contents of his glove compartment to prove it. He was now bone tired, and his eyelids were heavy from weariness, but it had all been worth it. Today was surely the luckiest day of his life. Though he had an atom of sympathy for the bereaved, he was actually glad the fatal collision occurred.
The thousands of dollars nestling comfortably in the glove compartment wouldn't have fallen from the sky into his lap if it hadn't.
He was now approaching the scene of the horrible accident, for no less than the 99th time that day, and he saw two figures ahead, waving him down. His droopy eyes opened up all the way in his delight. Money. More money.
As he pulled up beside the two figures, he realise with pleasure that they were two of the most good-looking young girls he had ever seen. They looked as if they were going to or coming from a party. A pleasant change, he thought from all the weeping.
He hadn't realised how chilly the night had become until they got in the car. He suddenly felt all the tiredness of the day setting over him like a dead-weight. He resolved to himself, that money or no money, these would be his last customers for the night. After all, he needed his beauty sleep, and besides, only a hot dinner left in the oven by his wife could even begin to dispel the icyness that had began to form in his stomach.
For some reason, the giggling of the girls in the backseat sent shivers up and down his backbone. The grisly incidents of the day must be finally getting to him, he thought. He was glad that the address the girls had given him was not very far away. He longed to be in the shelter and comfort of his own home. He accelerated. In less than five minutes, he pulled up at number nine Tangerine Avenue, in front of a neat, two-storey house only a few yards from the street. His notice was drawn to the dimly lit verandah of the house, where an old lady was sitting in one of the two rocking chairs in sight. The old lady stopped rocking as soon as the car pulled up at the gate and stared at it intently. The girls got out, and the tallest and prettiest of the two told him to wait while they went inside for the money to pay him.
He settled back in his seat and lit a cigarette, eyeing the old lady who kept staring at him. The girls opened the gate, stepped inside the yard and walked up the driveway to the house. The old lady acted like she did not see them. They passed and disappeared out of sight somewhere to the back of the building.
The night was quiet, except for the sound of the running motor and the insects beeping and chirping from the nearby trees. He had nearly dozed away with the cigarette in his hand, when he jerked to attention, with the realisation that he has been waiting too long. Where the hell were those two chicks anyway? Had they gone to bed and forgotten him? He almost deafened himself, blasting away at the horn in impatience. Five more minutes passed. That did it. He got out of the car, opened the gate and went up to the old lady. "Good evening Miss," he said politely, trying to control the anger in his voice. "Could you please call those two girls for me? Its getting late and I want to go home".
"Evening Sir, but what two girls are you talking about?" This was more than the taxi driver could bear. Here he was, on the road all day, up and down, back and forth like a slave. He was near to collapse from sheer exhaustion, and on top of all that this little old woman wanted to play games with him.
"You know damn well what girls I'm talking lady" he seethed. "Are you blind or deaf or just disgustingly senile? Those two girls took my taxi here. Didn't you see them as they passed you and went around the back fifteen minutes ago? They said they'd be back with my money, but they haven't come back."
The old woman looked at him as if he had just landed from a strange planet. "Why are you staring at me like that...I don't have the whole night to wait here you know."
"I don't see how those girls could have taken your taxi here tonight sir. They sound like the two sisters who had rented the back room from me since last January."
"What do you mean you don't see how they could have taken my taxi? Are you calling me a liar?" He was now raising his voice.
"Please calm down Sir. I'm not calling you a liar, but your story does sound strange. The two girls were killed in the train crash at Kendal this morning, on their way to an outing".
It was the taxi driver's turn to stare. A freezing wind whistled through his body, producing goose bumps all over his skin. He felt his head growing bigger and bigger like an enchanted Jackfruit. It was the first time in his life he was feeling the sensations of fright. Never before had his head raised in real, natural fear. But with his fear came anger. Was this a clever trick to cheat him out of his fare? Was this little scene a pre-meditated conspiracy between the girls and this old crone to fleece him of his hard earned money? If it was, he thought, it wasn't going to work. He decided to go home and return the first thing in the morning, with a police officer. He would see to it that he got his money even if he had to drag their beautiful tails into a courthouse.
Without another word to the old lady, he stomped back to his car, got in and slammed the door. He revved the engine and was about to drive off in a burst of speed when he saw the two girls running down the drive way, shouting to him. The rocking chair that had contained the old woman was now empty. Apparently she had gone inside her house. Old fool, he thought, as his fear and anger melted away. Maybe the withered old bitch was keeping malice with the girls and gave him that cock and bull story just to get back at them in her own way.
"Killed in the train crash at Kendal this morning. He mentally mimicked the old lady with a rude grin on his face. Killed indeed.
He stopped revving the engine as the girls reached the car. Instead of paying him, they got in, and the taller one said "sorry to keep you so long" seductively. "Sophie couldn't find her purse." Both girls started giggling and the one called Sophie stretched her hand across the seat and handed him a wad of dollar bills. "We only need you to drop us back where you picked us up."
The taxi driver's eyes bulged greedily as he put the money with the rest in the glove compartment. "Certainly ladies," he crooned happily. In any case, he had to drive that same way in order to reach home. Even after the old woman's ridiculous story, it hadn't occurred to him to wonder what the girls could possibly want at the deserted train station, especially so late in the night. The thought of the money he had amassed during the day prevailed over all others.
The back seat had become quiet after a while, and in an effort to make conversation, he remarked on the grisly accident, and the plundering that went on, the dead and not yet dead being the victims. There was no response from the girls except another burst of giggles. He felt his hackles starting to rise once more, and the coldness he had felt earlier now returned. He glanced in the rearview mirror. The back seat was utterly empty. He nearly veered off the road in shock. He still heard their giggling. He couldn't believe his ears. He turned his head to gape at the back seat of the car. The girls were there all right, but what a change. They were no more neat and pristine.
All he could register was the two grinning mutilated corpses that stared at him in return. One of them had a severed foot in its lap, the amputated end still dripping with blood. The thought that the old lady was right all along sprang into his mind then. The giggling creature had suddenly grabbed up it's severed foot, and using it like a club, brought it down on the driver's head with terrific force. His neck snapped instantly. The car careened wildly from one side of the road to another, and finally burst through a fence and tumbled over a steep embankment. It rolled like a giant's toy, overturning, crashing and spinning. As it was about to overturn the fourth time, it exploded into flames. Then the night gradually became quiet. Somewhere not too far away a rooster crowed, welcoming the morning.
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DATE: 04/25/2007 15:02:32 / MOOD: happy
I THOUGHT THIS WAS SO SWEET I JUST HAD TO SHARE IT !!
To a special lady who changed my world and my life forever.....
From a heart that will never find a love like yours again...
You may not be miss world ...
But your inner beauty coupled with your outer beauty , drives me crazy
The smell of your perfume,The taste of your lips,The touch of your skin , makes me weak
You are soft and gentle ,but can be very wild, romanticly speaking,
Rough and ruthless the fire that’s within you burns eternally ,
Its funny, I have met close to a million women, but none are like you
From that moment, when, I realized I was no Longer apart of your world,
I have been lost,Yes; I have entered and explored, and told myself I am in love, but the truth is I have never stopped loving you!.
I am cursed not to have you as my wife,But I am blessed to have you as my friend
I will forever love and cherish you
I will always be there for you Because you are special !. VERY SPECIAL!!!
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